Before 2018 totally passes us by without another post from me, I figured I'd better write something up. I've been meaning to write again for a long time, but on one hand, it can be difficult to decide what should be a blog, as opposed to a Facebook post, Instagram post, YouTube video, private journal entry, or exclusive Patreon post. On the other hand... I haven't wanted to actually open up my mini laptop, sit in front of it, and type up a blog post.
As a matter of fact, I haven't wanted to do anything.
I thought the past few years were bad, but this year... well, it's been even harder. It's been one of the worst years of my life, in its own ways. It's also been one of the best.
As I approach the crux of my first Saturn Return, the effects of which I've definitely been feeling for some years now but the exact moment of which (when Saturn will be in the exact place it was at my birth, not just in the zodiac sign, which it entered last December--Capricorn, for those keeping track) doesn't occur for about another year yet, the challenges I find myself facing are only increasing.
My mental health has taken quite a blow. It's like the more work I do to empower myself and attune myself with Universal Truth and my purpose and my inherent power and worth, the more anxious and scared and doubtful and worthless I feel.
Don't let that scare you, for I also know full well that those feelings are not True. I recognize that they are the much needed result of opening up a soul and seeking out the things that don't belong, the habits, thought forms, patterns, and general bullshit that shouldn't have been there in the first place but found its way in and lodged into our marrow, and breaking it apart. The feelings that result are illusions, they are challenges, and they are part of my reality in some moments throughout life. They are necessary parts of the change. But they are absolutely not the Truth.
I honestly don't even remember if I blogged about my intention for this year, that's how long it's been since I've written on this blog, but my intention for 2018, you may or may not know, was... IS... Truth. And my 2018 Year Card from the Major Arcana, determined via numerology, is Strength.
Dear gods, have I ever needed it.
Truthfully (hah), the major thematic element of my practice this year has been the intention of Truth. It has been both a conscious, and unconscious undercurrent in many aspects of my path. I came across many helpful quotes about "truth", I experienced telling new truths and seeking truths. I recently finally obtained a small Apophyllite piece for myself, known as the "Stone of Truth" (which is recommended by Judy Hall in her book The Crystal Zodiac for people born under a Gemini Moon (me), and obviously caught my attention for other reasons, too).
But Strength is not something that's been nearly so much on my mind this year. And yet, looking back, of course it's been there. It's been there all along, guiding me, keeping me going through those dark, formless moments as well as the brilliantly sharp, defined ones.
Something happened today--a mental shift--that brought Strength back into my awareness. I was messaging a friend about how my year has been going, and I was saying that I know I've gotten really off track, pretty much, and it's been awful and I didn't like it but it's just how it had to play out, but now I feel like I'm finally coming back to myself, and getting ready to get my practice back in gear, start sharing the work I've been silently and covertly doing, and so on. I said I think I'm finally in a place where I'm ready to tune back into the Universe and make magick happen.
That felt wrong.
No, I thought. Not make magick happen.
Let magick happen.
A weightless presence. An ear-splitting silence.
There it was. This was Truth. And it was Strength.
The Strength card in many "traditional" versions of the Tarot depicts a "female" figure gently, yet firmly, holding the jaws of a lion. This is what is shown in Pamela Colman Smith's artwork for the deck written by A. E. Waite, so it's well known by many, and is the one I think of most. One of the key phrases for the meaning of this card that has always stuck with me, is that it's about "Allowing, not Forcing."I could make magick happen. I am a magick-maker. I am a Witch. I can do the thing. Or, I can take a breath and realize that magick is already happening. It's happening right now. And now. Everywhere, all around me, all the time. Around us all. I don't have to make anything happen. I just have to let it. That is the difference between forcing, and allowing.
If you ask me to recount what I've done this year, I would say I've done a lot of nothing. I certainly don't feel like I've forced ANYTHING. In fact, I feel I've been too gentle on myself and that I should have been harsher, at times. But in many ways, I have been forcing. Even though I've specifically tried to chill the heck out, meet myself where I am, and flow with the personal tides. I've actually been rather proud of that, except for the times when I feel like "Ugh I should have been harder on myself because it's December already where did the year even go I've done nothing." But... I have been forcing.
I've forced myself into a vision of how I think my life is supposed to be going right now. I've forced myself to calm down. I've forced myself to pick things up, to accomplish, to wrap up loose ends. I've forced myself to feel things when I just don't. I've forced myself to be numb to things that hurt.
What have I been allowing, exactly?
Where has the balance of Strength been all this time?
Well... Right fucking there, I think, is the answer. It's been there the whole time. I just haven't been utilizing it to my best advantage. I haven't been allowing it to help me.
At least I'm finally receiving messages again. I must be allowing somewhere.
Blessings~
-C-
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