Thoughts on Queerness

Happy National Coming Out Day! (October 11) 🌈

Long time viewers of my main YouTube channel will know that I came out to my mom the day AFTER National Coming Out Day, back in 2008, when I was in college. I was out to my friends in high school, and I figured my mom already knew, but I wanted to tell her "officially." For me that was "the big one."

Coming out is a journey, and we do it over and over. In my case, I came out as a member of the LGBTQ+ community, but I also came out to people as a Pagan Witch, and those remain the two aspects of my identity that I'm always "coming out" about. They are the things people tend to make assumptions about, so when I share that information it's somewhat of a "reveal" even when it's not a big deal, and more sharing a simple fact. Most of the people I spend time around now are other queer Witches and Pagans of various flavors, but there are still those who don't always know these things about me since it isn't obvious... unless, perhaps, you know what to look for.

Everyone comes out at their own time, and in their own way. If you have not yet done so, or if you're only out to some people and not others, that is completely valid. Only you are living your life, and know what is right for you in any given moment.

🏳️‍🌈

Thoughts on Queerness

As someone in the bi/pan range of the spectrum, I also want to affirm that when someone is attracted to multiple or all genders, their identity doesn't suddenly change based on how onlookers perceive the relationships they happen to be in at the time. Someone who is with another person who seems like the "same gender" as them isn't necessarily gay/lesbian. Likewise, someone who is with another person who seems like the "opposite gender" isn't necessarily "straight."

For non-binary folks, what even is "same" or "opposite"?

If someone is queer, they are queer, regardless of how others perceive them in the context of any of their relationships at any given time.

** [Insert whatever term the person actually uses. I do identify as queer.] **

Thinking that someone is only ever either gay or "straight" (heterosexual) based on one of their relationships relies on a lot of assumptions. To do so requires assuming

• the genders of all those involved
• that their gender identity is rigid (not fluid)
• how many relationships they have
• that all their relationships are with people who identify the same
• that queerness must "look" some certain way

and a bunch of other things that I just cannot get behind making assumptions about.

Unfortunately, it's not just heterosexuals who make these assumptions, claims, and judgements. As with so many things, some of the prejudice comes from within the community. Some queer folks make statements about there not being "enough queerness" in spaces absolutely full of queer, trans, and non-binary people. Queerness is a spectrum, and queer people come in all flavors and colors and vibes. We don't all look the same, act the same, interact the same.

This might not be purposeful discounting, but it is a form of erasure. When we forget, or neglect to acknowledge, that bi/pan people are queer, for example, we're saying that type of identity isn't "queer enough" to read as queer in our spaces.

When we assume that someone's current partner (or the one partner you happen to see them with) defines their entire sexuality, the full breadth and depth of their sexual and romantic identities are ignored. It's assuming their relationships have always "looked" like that, will always "look" like that. For some people that may be true, but for others it definitely is not.

Queerness is also not just about who you engage with sexually... nor is it just about who you're dating.

Sexual and romantic identities may be the same for many people (as in, someone may be both pansexual and panromantic, or homosexual and homoromantic), but again, this is not necessarily always the case. In addition to sexuality and gender identity, romantic identity is another factor that can, in fact, be different for some individuals. You might see someone and who they're in a romantic relationship with, and assume their sexuality from that, but who they're sleeping with could be entirely different from their romantic relationships. So in this way, also, who someone's partner might be doesn't actually tell us as much as people think it does. The rest is stories we tell based on our assumptions filling in the blanks.

🌈⭐

There is also the element of Queerness that isn't about personal sexuality or romance at all, but about challenging the norms of the overculture. It is in this way that I view Witchcraft and magic as inherently queer.

In the historical sense of "queer" meaning "strange, odd," then I also very much feel queerness in being a practitioner of magic, and a Witch. It is much more common today, but still a pretty weird (or even wyrd) thing! So there is that element, but there is also the way we use magic and why.

Magic is about creating change, and many Witches -- particularly speaking of my tradition and communities, but I know this includes others, as well -- utilize our magical practice to stand against various forms of oppression, and to challenge the dominant culture of the time. Witches have been doing this for decades, even centuries. It is not new, though some of us are newer to it.

When I say the Witchcraft I practice is Queer, I don't only mean that a fuck-ton of Witches in my communities are queer, trans, and non-binary, although we certainly are. I also mean that our magic challenges the dominant norms of society, working to create the worlds and futures that we wish to live in. This may include directly working to improve the lives of queer, trans, and non-binary people, but would also include anti-racism work, as one example. Anything we do to challenge the dominant social norms, to uplift those who are marginalized within the overculture, and to create alternate power structures and communities that operate differently, is part of this work.

And you don't have to be personally queer (in your sexual / romantic / gender / relationship identities) to be part of that. Queerness as a personal identity is certainly wrapped up in this, as it absolutely colors the way many of us experience the world, but non-queer Witches can work toward these aims, as well, and many do. However, I've also known queer folks who uphold society's dominant norms in every other way except who they date. So personal queer identity doesn't necessitate that someone will work toward queering culture, magically or otherwise.

As with all things in the realm of magic, so in the realm of identity: these things are not black and white, either/or. It's all a complex spectrum of nuance. Working with and within that complexity is so much a part of queer magic, to me.

🏳️‍🌈

So when people talk about what is "queer enough" or not... What do they even mean?

It's hard to tell. I do think that generally it is not referring to "queering" in a broader sense, but to personal identity. And a lot of the time, it definitely feels like it's focusing on appearances and whether someone "looks queer" (again, what do you mean?), and that doesn't feel great for the queer, trans, and non-binary people in the room. But even that is a guess at where this type of criticism comes from. It could be so many things. Unless someone tells me what they actually mean by it, then I'm only making my own assumptions based on the comments themselves, and how I've experienced similar things in the past.

Either way, it's up to me to know that I am queer enough.
Because I am queer, and that is all there is to it.

~

🌈 Happy National Coming Out Day. 🌈

Coming out is about knowing yourself. We do it when we know it's right for us to share something more about ourselves. Also, it's okay if you're still figuring it out. A lot of people come out as one thing and then figure out that another thing fits them better later in life, and that isn't something that should be looked down upon by anyone. Just because someone came out as a different thing before doesn't mean anything, whatever stories we tell about that. If anything, it says to me that they learned more since then: about various terms people use, about themselves and what they want, about life. Those are pretty good things to keep learning about, I think.

The journey to knowing the Self is a long one. Life-long, in fact! If you're actively taking on that journey, I applaud you. It's a lot of work that deserves recognition, and perhaps even celebration.

Blessings~
-C-